Toys can be an awesome way to enhance solo or partnered sexytime fun for anyone. For trans women, they can also be an awesome way to empower us as women. And part of the impetus behind this guide was the lack of conversation about trans women using sex toys. Trans men sometimes have their own sections in sex toy shops, with strap-ons and packies and stand-to-pee devices and more. Cis women certainly have a wide selection of toys to pick from. Even cis men have a growing number of toys marketed toward them. But what about trans women? We can have just as much fun with sex toys as anyone else, even if you might not know that walking into your average sex toy shop.
Sex toys are not scary. I promise. But it’s helpful to have a little bit of info before making a purchasing decision. Early to Bed has info on lube, and which works best with which type of toy. Lube is great for any type of penetration, as well as for jerking off. Most shops (Early to Bed included) have smaller sample sizes, so you can experiment with a few different lubes before buying a 55 gallon drum of the stuff. (Sidenote: The reviews for that drum of lube are amazing!)
If you want to experiment with anal play - either on yourself or with a partner - you might want to get gloves, condoms, or dental dams. These are helpful if you simply worry that anal might be a bit icky, and especially important if you’re in a situation where you and a partner may swap fluids during sexytime.
When people talk about ‘sex toys,’ they usually mean one of two things: dildos, or vibrators. Lets talk about vibrators, first.
I honestly didn’t know if I’d like using a vibrator when I first tried it. I was raised in a world that thought I was a ‘normal’ boy. I had a relatively good and comprehensive sex education - my parents even bought me puberty books that acknowledged masturbation and said it was healthy - but I was still trapped in a world that things penises don’t deserve fun toys.
The head of the penis has the same basic nerve endings as the head of the clit. As a result, stuff that feels good to a clit may feel good on the head of a penis. Namely, vibration. I know lots of trans women who - independent of each other - figured this out. We were all excited to share, and sort of annoyed we hadn’t learned sooner about this fun new way to pleasure ourselves.
If vibration is something that interests you, there are tons of vibrators to choose from. Explore Early to Bed’s website, stop into a sex toy shop and look around, and pick one that seems friendly to you. A few that might be good to consider as starter vibrators:
Magic Bullet - Simple, relatively cheap, waterproof
Michelle - Different form factor, still simple and cheap
Audrey - Small and inexpensive
If you’re interested in something a little more complicated (or expensive) check out:
Hitachi Magic Wand - Called a “massager,” but we all know better. Powerful!
Hand Solo - Masturbatory ‘glove’ with a vibrator. Yum!
Mimi - Fancy and expensive, oh la la!
So you have this new vibrator and you’re wondering, “What should I do with it?” The best answer is that you should experiment. Give yourself some alone time and see where all that vibration feels good. A few suggestions:
If the vibration is too intense - particularly on the tip of your penis - diffuse it with a few blankets between your skin and the vibrator.
Explore under your scrotum and down to the taint and asshole. What’s it like to masturbate while the underside of your cock is vibrating?
Nipple play with vibrators can be great foreplay
Try different speeds, pulses, settings, etc
It’s also worth trying a bullet-style vibrator and a longer vibrator with a handle. Based on the angles, I usually like using a vibrator with a handle, but you should use what works best for you.
So you’re interested in anal play. Well, you don’t need any toys for that! Put on a glove (if that’s what feels safer or more comfortable), lube up your fingers, and go to town! Likewise, all of the above vibrators can be used around your asshole, but only on the outside. See Early to Bed’s guide to anal play for more in-depth information, but the short version is this: Use lube. NEVER put anything in your butt that doesn’t have a flanged base. A flanged base is when a toy has a spread section or handle to prevent it from getting lost up your butt. Here’s a toy with a flanged base, and one without. If you use a toy without a flanged base, and it gets lost up your butt, you are almost certainly going to need a trip to the ER.
Still here? Good. I knew I could trust you. You would never use a toy for anal unless it had a flanged base, right? Right? Good. Here are some toys to consider:
Arrow Plug - Small, great for beginners, and can hold a mini vibrator for extra fun.
Booty Call Plug - Little bit bigger, but still not too scary
Azure - Designed to work as a vibrator. Yay!
Go slow, use lots of lube, and have fun!
Strap-on sex is a quintessential lesbian sex act. As a woman who mostly sleeps with women, it’s something I wanted to try. But I had a penis, which made me wonder: Can I use a strap-on comfortably? Sure, there are strap-ons made for cis men, but they’re marketed in such a way that made me feel uncomfortable using them. Could I use a “normal” strap-on comfortably and successfully?
After a very scientific process (i.e., me trying on a bunch of strap-on harnesses in the Early to Bed bathroom) I found that it’s possible to wear the Vibe harness comfortably. It’s not the prettiest or fanciest harness in the universe, but I could adjust it in such a way that the harness rested above my cock and balls, leaving them safe and un-crushed. Or so I hoped; trying something on in the bathroom is different than fucking someone with it. But - with the help of a very generous volunteer - I can now definitively say that it is possible to use the Vibe harness to fuck someone’s brains out, without crushing anything important. I wore it with undies on (to help keep my ‘strapless’ from getting in the way) and had tons of fun. It was very weird sporting a giant purple cock, and I highly recommend the experience to anyone - trans or cis - who is interested.
As someone who wasn’t really interested (either emotionally or physically) in penetrating someone with my ‘strapless’ cock, it was great to have the experience of penetrating a sex partner while using a strap-on.
Early to Bed also offers the Bend Over Beginner Kit, which comes with the Vibe harness and two different-sized dildos to try. Both of them are flanged, which means you can use them (with or without the harness) for anal play, too! Bonus!
In addition to the above toys, Early to Bed has a selection of toys made specifically for cocks. I haven’t tried any of them, so please let me know if you do! In particular, I’m sort of bummed I never got around to trying a fleshlight (or a vibrating fleshlight!) before my gender reassignment surgery. There are also vibrating cockrings to consider, masturbatory sleeves, and much much more. If you try any of ‘em out, please let me know what you think so I can update this guide.
Here is more about her:
Rebecca Kling is a transgender artist and educator who explores gender and identity through solo pieces and educational workshops. Her multidisciplinary performances incorporate conversational storytelling, personal narrative, humor, movement, video projection, and more. Kling takes the position that sharing accessible queer narrative with a wide audience is a form of activism, and that understanding combats bigotry. She regularly tours to colleges, universities, and theatre festivals across the country. Some touring highlights include theatres throughout Chicago, the 2010-2013 Chicago Fringe Festivals, the 2011 and 2012 Kansas City and Indianapolis Fringe Festivals, the 2012 and 2013 Minneapolis Fringe Festival, San Bernardino, New York City, Maine, South Carolina, and more. Her unique style and background as an educator have drawn her praise from The Chicago Tribune, TimeOut Chicago, NUVO Indianapolis, the Coyote Chronicle, and elsewhere.